Friday, June 10, 2011

Slow As Molasses-

Hey dudes...I've been going through another long, miserable phase of excruciating pain and super exhausting health soul-sucking. Pretty much whenever I take a break from posting, it's due to my shite health. I mean, ideally, you'd think that being crippled (no, that's not even slightly melodramatic, unfortunately just true) and forced to lie in bed etc, would make me *more* prone to posting, since theoretically I have the time to do so, but you know it's pretty rough when even the thought of sitting here and typing, in enough of an upright position to have the computer in my lap (obviously it's a laptop) and scouting groovy info and images, music, etc, for you guys (and me of course, this blog or almost any is certainly not an altruistic venture), even the mere *idea* of doing so is too much for me, that it's pretty rough. Which sucks. No eloquence required, really, since it's decidedly not glamorous, or fictionalized, or romantic. It just, plain, totally sucks. I hate it, damn it. It gets old almost immediately to have to report on the state of your mind and body as being (sort of traitorous, it feels like sometimes?) the news that friends and family ask me for. I've had to put pretty much my entire life on hold because of the various issues with my health, and damned if I'm not utterly frustrated at this point. I was in school full time, etc, kicking it's proverbial ASS, and working, painting, playing music, all kinds of stuff. I mean, sheesh, I was GARDENING several times a week and working out and stuff. Ha! Right now I'm pleased if I can stand up steadily long enough to shave my legs in the shower! Hahahah! I'm not the kind of person that enjoys doing nothing...I like to be occupied, don't mind working really hard, as a matter of fact I get a ton of gratification out of knowing that I'm worn out or sore or tired from using my mind and body to it's full potential. I am absolutely the kind of woman who needs to have several creative/emotional/physical/et al outlets in order to feel normal or anything close to fulfilled. I have stuff I wanna do, DAMN IT!!! I don't want to waste time, etc!! My father tells me, it's cool, your medical issues *are* your goal now, that's the only thing you're supposed to be addressing, and the only thing that's really important. That without dealing with my various issues/diseases (no, nothing creepy or catching, just strange, rare, and crappy/debilitating)/injuries/surgeries/etc there won't BE a me to do the other stuff...but it's so frustrating to feel, I don't know...confused and nebulous and up in the air. But I AM making progress!!! I will officially have Medicare totally July 1st, although they're taking a pretty (and by pretty I mean nauseatingly large!) hefty sum out every month for the premium, so I'm even broker than before, believe it or not. Ha! I also turned in my Medicaid application in person and complete and on time (MediCARE is federal, MediCAID is state) which hopefully will assist me with perhaps some of the cost associated with my Medicare and prescriptions, surgeries, etc. It's an incredibly complicated system, by the way. Increasingly difficult to navigate, and my brother and Dad and I have all discussed it and come to the startling conclusion that they make it difficult in order to try to discourage as many people as they can, by making it so hard that they just give it up! It's a pretty crazy system.
So, in theory, I should be able to go back to my doctor (which is part of an incredibly depressing, hurtful, and long story, by the way) and get back on all my medications so I can go back to concentrating on living and having a freaking life again. That'd be really nice. That's all I'm hoping to accomplish kiddies: getting stuff under enough manageable control that I can be back in school to finish my Bachelor's degree, get my dang Master's (at least, if not two Master's and maybe a doctorate, seriously) and find us a rhythm section for The Brand, label shop for .38 Gauge, which is my band with Lenn Rokk from Filth and Strychnine, and generally just have a life and all that normal stuff you take for granted when you're generally healthy. (you guys, not me...I don't actually remember what it's like anymore to not be in pain and sick. Stupid!) So basically, I'm sorry I haven't surfaced in a while, and I really love my blog and readers. I'm trying really hard to get everything in order so I can never ignore you guys for long periods of time. Plus, you know, I actually have high hopes for my little blog-o...tons of things for the plans of futurity. Just wait. I promise this bitch is going to be off the ever-loving chain. Plus I got a new sewing machine so the clothing design should be picking up again. And I'm GOING to buy a motorcycle damnit. Here's one I've been drooling over. Miss you guys. Sorry for the soap box rant.

1 comment:

geistlos said...

Wow, that sucks dood. The pain part, the getting on medicare and medicade - obviously a good thing.

Take care,

Love Josh